PS: This is a really vulnerable post.
Life lately has been…
I’ve not been as consistent with writing, or reading, or drawing or exercising or in taking pictures or in editing said pictures or in praying or in Bible study. I’ve not been consistent in anything.
What I have been consistent in though, is being tired. I’m consistently tired I’d give myself that. I’d make a plan, write it down and just when it’s time to execute the plan, I’d fall asleep. Because I’m just so damn exhausted.
And why? You might ask. Is it work? Is it life? Am I emotionally tired? Is my soul weary? Does my body hurt? What exactly is it?
The truth is I don’t know. But it’s a mix of everything happening all at the same time. I should probably take a break. But that’s not even remotely possible. And I don’t even know what type of break I need to take.
I’ve decided however, to stop feeling guilty about the fact that I’m not the person I want to be. There have been so many factors that have contributed to this, many that I can’t put down in writing at this moment.
But, I will give myself grace, I will be real with where I am right here and right now and work with my energy levels.
I know discipline is doing what you need to do, when you need to do it whether you feel like it or not. But I don’t quite feel like being disciplined. I can’t afford to burn out right now.
And don’t tell me to pray about these feelings or this exhaustion. It’s not a bright idea that I haven’t thought of or done. I’m just even tired of doing that as well. This is where I am at today at this moment in time.
I only want to do things that will make me happy or give me some form of momentarily relief. I’m tired of feeling otherwise. And tired of feeling guilty about wanting to take a break from the routines, from the expectations, from life in general.
I’m embracing who I am and where I am at in this moment. And I don’t care if this doesn’t fit into the cute bubbly wrap that I was meant to fit into.
Is this a phase? Would it pass? I have no idea.
But this is what it is today and now.
It does feel very liberating to just be honest with my current position and not necessarily trying to change it. Most times, what has caused me a lot of stress and strain is me trying so hard to change myself and change my position/situation instead of simply trying to work with myself as I am in that moment. It is a different form of self love to be true to yourself, to embrace your weaknesses, your faults and just accept them like that.
Sometimes, trying so hard to change makes it seem like you hate who you are in that moment.
And I don’t. I don’t hate myself. I’m no longer putting pressure on myself to be that perfect girl that seems to have life figured out, that doesn’t struggle, that doesn’t make mistakes. I’m not that person and I don’t have to have it all figured out. I just need to be okay for myself today and now. Because that’s all I have control over. Literally anything can happen tomorrow. And more often than not, things don’t quite go as planned. So might as well just embrace the chaos of life and work with it.
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Thanks and God bless.
xoxo
-Sharon Stephen
